200 words (single spaced) Secrets- define All of 4, sweet, essential, toxic, dangerous [citation for definition (Sager, 2024)] Tell the secret in my family as an example (just use one, like is it sweet, toxic etc.). Also add 2-3 functions Functions: Bonding Evaluation Maintenance Privacy Defense Communication/n 88 CHAPTER 4 Communication Patterns and the Creation of Family Identity 324 I Secrets may establish strong subgroup boundaries. powerful family rules and taboo topics. A communication rule of alcoholic families, "Don't talk," is a way to maintain or deny the problem (Black, 2001). Family secrets are critical communication concerns because family ties are shaped "by what is shared and what is held secret by family members" (Vangelisti & Caughlin, 1997, p. 679). Making, keeping, and revealing secrets all shape a family's interaction pat- terns. "A secret may be silently and unknowingly passed from generation to genera- tion like a booby-trapped heirloom" (Imber-Black, 1998, p. 4). What is considered a family secret may change over time. Whereas certain topics such as adoption, divorce, cancer, and mental illness are less stigmatized now, other issues such as being diag nosed with a genetic disease or using a sperm donor emerge (Imber-Black, 1998). For example, in a stud (2009) described the persons outside the in from China, who we they would never a child's China story on member depends ual may believe that members who know If the individual's b ple, if a new husba drug abuse proble that information a Family secret the outside worl (intrafamily secr secrets). Althoug embarrass one o forcing cohesiv stories, inside je family practice, logical consequ Secrets and Boundaries Secrets create or reinforce boundaries-whether between the family and the outside world or around individuals or subsystems. As discussed in Chapter 3, in her communication privacy management theory, Petronio (2002) portrays control as a boundary issue; people believe private information is owned ble. Family members control an exterior boundary regulating the flow of private or co-owned with others and revealing private information may make one vulnera- 2004), and establish internal boundaries that range from high to low permeability. information, such as adoption, to those outside the family (Caughlin & Afifi, Types of Fam Secrets may b are four type pp. 13-19). S ally time limi Christmas st Essential may include the develop versations s value reveal Toxic s untold and effects on well-being toxic secre and mysti alcoholism members as affairs, ics. Dang such seve may inve amilies, secrets what is 1997, n pat- enera- ered a vorce, diag- veen ssed (02) ned era- ate ifi, ty. Communication Patterns That Influence Family Meanings For example, in a study titled "How much did you pay for her?" Suter and Ballard (2009) described the ways adoptive parents protected their family privacy when persons outside the immediate family asked questions about their children, adopted from China, who were visibly different from their parents. Some parents indicated they would never answer questions on topics such as the cost of adoption, the child's China story or their adoption decision. Managing family secrets effectively s on members' ability to identify who "owns" what information. An individ- ual may believe that certain private information "belongs" to him or her and, those members who know the information, do not have the right to share it with others. If the individual's boundary is ignored, boundary turbulence will result. For exam- ple, if a new husband tells his family-of-origin that his brother-in-law has a serious drug abuse problem, his wife may be very angry because she believes she "owns" that information about her sibling. depends Family secrets may be known to all immediate family members but kept from the outside world (whole family secrets), known to subgroups of the family (intrafamily secrets), or known only to an individual family member (individual secrets). Although secrets tend to be associated with something that would hurt or embarrass one or more members, some secrets protect positive information, rein- forcing cohesiveness and identity. Such secrets may include funny childhood stories, inside jokes, or financial success. Even when keeping secrets is a common family practice, sometimes maintaining powerful secrets can have negative physio- logical consequences for the secret bearer (Pennebaker, 1990). Types of Family Secrets Secrets may be categorized in a variety of ways. According to Imber-Black, there are four types of family secrets: sweet, essential, toxic, and dangerous (1998, pp. 13-19). Sweet secrets serve the purpose of protecting fun surprises and are usu- ally time limited. These include airline tickets to Disney World placed in a child's Christmas stocking or a cousin's surprise baby shower. Essential secrets, which support necessary boundaries defining a relationship, may include talk about fears or insecurities, which enhances closeness and fosters the development of self and relationships. For some partners, self-disclosing con- versations serve as an integral part of their relational growth. Sibling pairs may value revealing deep concerns and fears with each other. Toxic secrets poison family relationships; key family issues and stories remain untold and unexplained. Maintaining such secrets may have chronic negative effects on problem solving, conversational repertoire, perceptions, and emotional well-being since "even when no one is in immediate physical or emotional danger, toxic secrets nonetheless sap energy, promote anxiety, burden those who know, and mystify those who don't know" (Imber-Black, 1998, p. 13). The protected alcoholism of one member may shut down vital interaction among other family members and between these members and the outside world. Avoiding issues such as affairs, drug abuse, or imprisonment may inhibit interactions about other top- ics. Dangerous secrets put their "owners" in immediate physical jeopardy or cause such severe emotional turmoil that their capacity to function is threatened. These involve physical or sexual abuse or threats of suicide or harm to others. may 89 d types of substance cohabita- on that is Clearly, , whereas they are patterns. S. key ques- le family s among ce ain pri- WS, rents ative tecting donor, pres- r irrele- or pay- against be netic family ever LOW un ds, ly. ecause ported Communication Patterns That Influence Family Meanings 91 functions associated with evaluation, maintenance, privacy, and defense (Vangelisti & Caughlin, 1997). Timmerman (2000) identified 10 criteria linked to individuals' tendencies to reveal In their study of criteria for revealing family secrets, Vangelisti, Caughlin, and family secrets. Respondents who closely identified with their family secrets, view- ing them as intimate or negative, were more likely to support a number of the cri- a such as relational security and important reasons. A respondent's relationship to the listener was linked to the criteria he or she chose. teria Secrets and Family Patterns Secrecy links to family change. Although a secret's cre- dissolution can occur at any moment, many secrets are created or revealed ation or at periods of intense relationship change, such as marriage, divorce, birth of a child, leaving home, or death. Secrets constructed at such key developmental points may affect the natural developmental process. "Relationships that would ordinarily change and grow become frozen in time, as the presence of a secret locks people in place" (Imber-Black, 1998, p. 10). Secrets may serve to reinforce boundaries within various family forms. Stepfamily members often share secrets with the members of their family-of-origin while concealing them from other stepfamily members (Caugh- lin, et al., 2000). Former partners and co-parents face the task of creating joint rules for communicating with their children about their dating and postmarital relation- ships since former partners often have different expectations for secrecy around this topic (Miller, 2009). Adult secrets about a family member's approaching death may create a climate in which children feel isolated (Bosticco & Thompson, 2005). As noted earlier, multigenerational communication patterns frequently involve protecting secrets. In her study of three-generation families of Holocaust survivors, Chaitin (2002) found the conspiracy of silence continues to affect what survivors and their descendants can and cannot discuss because "On one hand, by not con- fronting the past, the grandchildren may be spared the difficulty of dealing with emotionally loaded issues. On the other hand, by avoiding the subject the grand- children may be distancing themselves from the topic, and perhaps from their grandparents as well" (p. 395). Family secrets impact immediate family members as well as the multigenera- tional family system. A hidden suicide, abortion, or prison term can affect the com- munication patterns of future generations. A member may struggle with questions such as: Do I have the right or responsibility to keep this a secret? Who would be injured if I reveal this secret? What is the best time or place for talking about this? illness for fear of rejection, isolation, and harassment by coworkers, acquaintances, Persons affected with HIV confront painful choices as they hesitate to reveal the friends, and other family members (Haas, 2002). Revealing this secret within the family has great consequences and challenges. Reasons mothers decided to disclose their HIV status to their children included wanting to educate them, wanting the children to hear it from them, and wanting children to know before they became very ill. Yet some mothers opted for secrecy because, in addition to reasons of age and maturity level, they did not want their children to bear the emotional burden, to experience rejection, and to fear losing their mother (Schrimshaw & Siegel, 2002). Relational satisfaction and secret-keeping are interlinked because "Those who were unlikely to reveal their secrets were more satisfied with their family relationships ER 4 Communication Patterns and the Creation of Family Identity Using a somewhat different approach, Vangelisti (1994b) categorized types of secrets as (1) taboos, or skeletons in the closet, including marital abuse, substance abuse, and illegalities; (2) rule violations, such as premarital pregnancy, cohabita- information that is tion, and serious disobedience; and (3) conventional secrets, or private but not "wrong," such as death, religion, and personality conflicts. Clearly, the taboo category is somewhat similar to the toxic and dangerous secrets, whereas conventional secrets are similar to the essential category. No matter how they are categorized, secrets play an important role in a family's communication patterns. Functions of Secrets Given the commonplace nature of family secrets, a key ques- tion arises: What functions do secrets serve? In her early work on whole family secrets, Vangelisti (1994b) reports on six functions of such secrets: 1. Bonding. Individuals believe their family secrets increase cohesiveness among family members. The sister who intercepts her brother's school absence notices strengthens the sibling bond. Most couples' sexual rituals remain pri- vate to them. Sharing family secrets with new members, such as in-laws, acknowledges their place in the family (Serewicz, 2006). 2. Evaluation. Family secrets help members avoid negative judgment. Parents may hide a child's sexual preference or multiple divorces to avoid negative evaluations of the family. 3. Maintenance. These secrets help keep family members close while protecting them from stressors. Unusual religious practices, reliance on a sperm donor, or an unexpected inheritance may be kept a secret to prevent outside pres- sures. These represent attempts to prevent tension. 4. Privacy. Secrets are concealed because they are seen as personal and/or irrele- vant to others. Family members may see income, plans for pregnancy, or pay- ments for major purchases as none of anyone else's business. 5. Defense. Secrets protect information from outsiders who might use it against family members. A member's diagnosis with Huntington's disease may be kept inside the family to protect the individual and other members' genetic inheritance. Enmeshed families rely more heavily on defense secrets. family 6. Communication. Secrets reflect a lack of open communication among members. In families with low verbal interaction, certain topics may never surface because the family is not perceived as open or no one would know how to talk about it, such as in this example. one of us wants space, we may go into our bedroom, drive to the mall, or take a run None of us really share too much of our private lives with one another. Our friends, lives, and romantic lives are rarely disclosed, and if they are, it is done humorously. funct Cau Tim fam ing ter to Se at a people who were unlikely to reveal their family secrets strongly supported The functions of family secrets have direct links to revelation choices because

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